How have you spent your tuition dollars?
I don’t know about you, but for most of my time here at UIUC, I spent them worrying about my future. For three and a half years, this fear pushed me down a path I now know I wouldn’t have enjoyed: pure engineering. This path that would have been uninteresting and tedious to me. It was a path more suited to others than to myself.
Why did I choose this path? Because I thought I had no choice. So I decided to fake it until I made it. At some point though, if we are to live, we have to stop acting, and start living. We have to stop abiding by other people’s preferences—and learn how to hear our own. Only then can we form authentic friendships, and only then can we find work that we love. Once you uncover your true self, people will resonate with you, and you will be a magnet for people who want to help you.
Fear prevents young people from embarking on the adventure of their life. This adventure doesn’t happen on its own: many will not realize this until it’s too late. Self-discovery requires the right amount of introspection, exploration, idleness and action. We easily fall into the trap of “it has to be this way, or else my entire plan will fall apart.” What plan? Did you write it down somewhere? Did you reach it through thoughtful consideration? Was there time?
We work ourselves into the dust, leaving no space for the important questions. Our parents push us along, worried that we’ll be unemployed. Everyone’s in a rush. To where? Nobody knows.
All of these forces, these expectations, lead us to one place: estrangement from ourselves. Our anxieties compound to the point where we become unable to make out our own desires. We are carried along by the current, our vision clouded by a mixture of learned helplessness, cynicism, and despair. We seek outlets to reduce these “bad vibes:” binge drinking, food, and social media. These distractions amplify our confusion, and inhibit our creativity. They prevent us from making discoveries about the world that could potentially make it a better place.
So what do we do? First off, we name the forces that are driving us into mundanity. We revolt against the parts of ourselves that want to be numb. A courageous act: to feel! And we give our friends the space to do so too.
Spend some time alone, walk through the park, leave the phone at home. Maybe then the symptoms of mental constipation will begin to alleviate. Then what? You will meet yourself. You will reach the base case of your personality. Maybe for the first time. This is what it feels like to think clearly.
While I’m in school, I’m going to take the time to get this right, and help others do the same. That seems like a pretty good way to spend my tuition dollars.
❤️