It is well known the drunken sailor who staggers to the left or right with n independent random steps will, on the average, end up about √n steps from the origin. But if there is a pretty girl in one direction, then his steps will tend to go in that direction and he will go a distance proportional to n . In a lifetime of many, many independent choices, small and large, a care
er with a vision will get you a distance proportional to n , while no vision will get you only the distance √n . In a sense, the main difference between those who go far and those who do not is some people have a vision and the others do not and therefore can only react to the current events as they happen.
- Richard Hamming, The Art of Doing Science and Engineering: Learning to Learn
It’s important to work hard and to move quickly. But it’s just as essential to make sure that you are not going in circles. This is also true within the context of our relationships—collaborations need to be built upon a clear vision. We need to know where we’re going. Value alignment catalyzes the formation of a strong community, one built on a shared understanding of each others’ needs, priorities, and objectives, helping everyone other grow to become the best versions of themselves.
To create a vision for any relationship, both people need to be on board. This requires honest communication, for which we need to feel safe around one another. Each of us must feel we have the space to express our thoughts in full detail. It can’t be rushed: time is needed to express everything that’s on our minds; to identify as many potential sources of disagreement as possible. No stone is left unturned. Without psychological safety, telling the truth is too risky. Without truth, there can be no alignment.
To establish a safe conversational environment, I start from a point of shared context. This shared context says, “we have a common experience,” opening a conduit through which my partner and I can pass each other more information. I do my best to approach the conversation with open body language and an empty mind, inviting the other to speak. My goal is to receive everything the other person is sending my way without judgment. Now is the time for listening, not analysis. The more I can relax, shut up, and let the other person talk, the more comfortable they will feel in my presence.
People who overzealously autocomplete what they think other people are saying, get confined in a stiflingly narrow social reality by their own limited imagination
This is what you want to avoid.
Once you have established a point of shared context, the goal is to scale that context out in the direction of deeper communication. Explain to them as clearly as possible why you wanted to talk, then give them the space to respond. Where does their characterization of the situation overlap with yours? What have they said that helps you understand their needs better? Where are they holding back? Using these questions, you can get into the meat of the misalignment.
Before diving any deeper, it is helpful to discuss charitable framing. Charitable framing is not glossing over questionable statements your conversation partner has made. Rather, charitable framing is about patience—it’s about resisting the urge to jump to conclusions. It is the desire to dig a level deeper, to operate based on the assumption that you don’t have the full picture. To approach a conversation with charitable framing is to have faith in the validity of the other person’s experience, even though it may be foreign to you.
Charitable framing gives your conversation partner the ability to tell you more. It allows you to see the other person's strengths without filtering them through your preconceived notions of what is good and bad. With charitable framing, you can see how your and the others’ strengths complement each other, and how you can compensate for each others’ weaknesses.
When you approach a point of conversational tension with curiosity instead of judgment, the other person will reciprocate. When this happens, celebrate! Through this reciprocal exploration, you scale your shared context. In other words, you understand each other better. This understanding opens channels for the communication of more complex ideas, and it deepens trust. When you show me that you’re not going to judge me for sharing something that is difficult to express, I will feel more comfortable with sharing such notions with you in the future. Furthermore, when you show me that you will help me communicate thoughts that are difficult to put into words, I will come to you to help me think things through.
“Solve intelligence, and then use that to solve everything else.”
- Demis Hasabis, founder of DeepMind
When it comes to personal relationships, I say:
“Solve trust, and then use that to solve everything else.”
- Ian Brown, Rocket Philosopher
Of course, you’re never going to fully “solve” trust—it’s a moving target. As you undergo novel experiences, new points of misalignment will emerge. The point is to develop a process to systematically uncover and explore these micro-disagreements before they become tough to handle. Maintaining a shared context of trust is like gardening: it requires consistent diligence, attention, and listening.
For this reason, after your value-aligning conversation, it is helpful to establish ways to keep the communication flowing. The consensus you established in the first conversation can serve as a kernel of shared context to help jumpstart the next one. Over time, these patterns of strong communication become ingrained. The relationship will become symbiotic, with both parties getting better and better at meeting each other’s needs.
Once this dynamic has been set in stone, it will serve as a catalyst for the creation of a deeply connected community. Others in your vicinity will model their communication style off of you, and you will be able to think together with others about how to bring more people into your high-communication network. Such a community could route resources to those who need them almost immediately. Additionally, due to its emphasis on clear communication, the community could identify and address harmful internal dynamics before such dynamics could scale, removing barriers preventing positive-sum values from spreading.
Through value-aligning conversations, you learn how to make life better for everyone around you, by clearly defining what “better” means. “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ignorance,” says Hanlon’s Razor. Ignorance is addressable. It merely requires that we learn how to communicate key information with one another and that we maintain an open mind.
Is there a conversation in your life that you’ve been putting off? Maybe that’s because you haven’t felt safe. My advice to you is this: find a catalyst to start building that shared context. Can you come into the same space with a semblance of comfort? Can you cultivate a good-faith framing of the situation that gives both of you the respect and attention that you deserve? With any luck, the tools that I have outlined in this essay can help you get to the next level of mutual understanding. From there, you can define and build your ideal relationship for yourself, without my help.